she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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