I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
