Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
