i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
