when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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