hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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