My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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