i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
