Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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