Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
