I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize