drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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