Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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