I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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