:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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