A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
