I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
