Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
