gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
