i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
