Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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