I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize