He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
