Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
