she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Operation Purity has been aborted
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
