You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
