It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
