don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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