Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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