I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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