Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
