i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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