There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
