I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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