Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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