There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
