her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
