Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
