Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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