so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
