So drunk its hurt
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize