I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
