SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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