Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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