I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
