I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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