If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want to be your penis for a week.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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