When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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