I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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