I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
