Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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