i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
