I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
