If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
