It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
