he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
