i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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