you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
