this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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