I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
