I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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