I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
