the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
